


Fractured Expectations

by SassyDelusions (Sassydelusions)



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Post TLJ, TLJ Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-18 20:57:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13689657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sassydelusions/pseuds/SassyDelusions
Summary: “Ben, you already know… We were both there.”“So it’s true, then.” His eyes moved away from her now and he allowed her some space. “My grandfather’s lightsaber. You destroyed it.”Alt: Rey and Kylo talk about lightsabers and both of them have a lot of feelings about it.





	Fractured Expectations

**Author's Note:**

> I've been out of the fanfiction game for a few years so please be gentle with me as I return to post about these angsty space babies who are ruining my life. This one shot was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend of mine who was telling me his theories about Kylo's knowledge of the lightsaber. He brought up that Luke's projection had this lightsaber instead of his green one and that Kylo didn't get to see the real effects of the force tug of war so he wouldn't have been aware of the fate of Anakin's lightsaber. So after a lengthy and angsty conversation, this was born. 
> 
> I'm a thirsty writer who can only be quenched by kudos and comments. Please don't leave me dehydrated. Thanks.
> 
> Enjoy!

It was with much reluctance that Rey allowed him to take a seat beside her in the first place. It was an act of goodwill, an extended kindness that might quell the ever changing tension that brewed between them. The gap between them was large enough when he first sat down and she was feeling somewhat good about the whole thing. Surely the Force would tear him away within a handful of minutes and they would part ways without a word.

 

_ Or not... _

 

Ben So-- Kylo Ren was soon mere inches from her side, hunching over the open book in her lap and tracing his nimble finger along an intricately illustrated lightsaber diagram. Aurebesh letters were used to neatly label each section. The older style of writing the familiar letters was tricky to decipher for Rey and she was incredibly grateful for the guidance of someone better versed.

 

“The weapon is made to be an extension of yourself and your strength; like a phantom limb of sorts. Jedi had needlessly intricate traditions, as you’ve read, but despite the grandiose description of ceremonial and symbolic processes there is very little here in the way of actual assembly instructions.”

 

His voice is so smooth and clear. It’s almost unsettling how gentle he seemed. The words he spoke on  _ Starkiller _ rang loudly in the back of her mind and she wondered if this is how he would have taught her should she have accepted his passionate offer. Would he have guided her so gently or would it have been a constant battle of wills? She was somewhat disappointed to note that she’d never truly know.

 

“Well, if this saber is meant to be an extension of an individual then it wouldn’t make sense to give an exact map.” Rey peeked upwards through her eyelashes, looking for approval from the man at her side. His validation was something she thought she’d never care to have, but right now it was all she really wanted.

 

“Clever girl.” His tone dipped in pitch as his lips rose at the corners. “The Jedi Master would be there to instruct on the very basics, but the outcome was unique to each Padawan. Back in the Jedi’s height the colors held a meaning, but that has been lost in the pass of time.”

 

Hazel eyes stole quickly to the book in her lap. She silently cursed the way those two words made her heart swell and her abdomen flood. His proud and lopsided smirk was bound to be the death of her. She was honestly baffled it hadn’t managed to strike her dead the instant it formed. Perhaps it was the fact that he’d followed it so closely with knowledge that she could latch onto instead.

 

“So, theoretically, if someone was looking to build a lightsaber from scratch where would they start?”  

 

She asked her question like a dutiful student and he seemed beyond eager to supply her with answers. His hand gently grazed her own as he shifted his finger along the fragile page and circled something there. The shudder that both of them experienced at the contact is ignored in favor of the lesson at hand. She recognized the object instantly, she had one sort of like it in the pile of parts that had once been Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber, but she awaited his explanation instead of making comment.

 

“This is a Kyber Crystal and is the best place to begin. A lightsaber’s power is drawn from here.”

 

“But how do you know which Kyber Crystals you can use?”

 

Her voice was focused and slow as she pictured what she had to work with. The mechanical pieces didn’t confuse her too much, but she knew next to nothing about the powersource and how to effectively use it. Her biggest fear was that she’d do further damage if she tinkered mindlessly. That lightsaber stood for far too much for her to let it die such a death. 

 

“In Jedi tradition the Padawan is sent to the mines on Ilum to collect a crystal for themselves. The Force guided them to the one that matched their power.”  He paused, collecting more thoughts before looking down to meet her eyes. “What has you so interested in lightsaber creation?”

 

Rey hesitated. Hazel eyes flicking down to the page once more.

 

“A lightsaber is a very large part of the Jedi religion.” The answer was evasive and she frowned as she saw how on edge he became. He had been so happy to feed her curiosity moments before, happy to have something they could share beyond pained glances and terse words. She was suddenly so afraid to sink back to those things. “If the Kyber Crystal is cracked is it still possible to use it? How damaged can it be before it’s considered beyond repair?”  

 

“That depends on the design. If it is a cracked crystal, such as mine, then you'll need to allow for extra exhaust or it'll overheat.” 

 

His expression began to shift, his bemused pride giving way to a guarded and skeptikal coldness. She sensed that he wanted to say something, but though the Force put them side by side, their minds and emotions are tightly locked up. She didn’t like the way his eyes flickered, the ghost of Ben Solo she’d seen only moments before being taken away.

 

“Is that why the plasma blade is so erratic? Because the crystal is cracked? I--”

 

“Rey,” He cut into her words, his tone warning of the tumultuous emotions stirring within him. “Where did you get a cracked Kyber Crystal?”

 

Stilling entirely, her eyes stole upwards to look at him. His jaw was tense and she swore she caught a twitch in his right eye seconds before he locked their gaze. For a flickering moment, she wondered what he knew. Did he remember what happened to the lightsaber when they fought or did he get knocked out too quickly? Did he assume that Luke had repaired it? His eyes were so demanding, but they were also harbouring an emotion she couldn’t quite place. Fear was bubbling up in her chest at an alarming rate, but she did her very best to contain it.

 

“Ben, I--”

 

His movements were so fast. Before she could blink he had a hand at either side of her body, effectively trapping her in place as he leaned inwards.

 

“Ah, so  _ now _ I’m Ben?” His voice was deceivingly soft. “Answer my question, Rey. Where did you get a cracked Kyber Crystal.”

 

Her lungs betrayed her and couldn’t seem to maintain oxygen enough to speak. He was so  _ kriffing  _ close and she wasn’t sure if that was terrifying or delighting. . Given the topic, she knew it  **should** be the former.

 

“Don’t… Don’t you remember?”

 

The curl of his lips wasn’t the same now. His smirk wasn’t one of adoration and amusement anymore and Rey hated to look at it and be reminded of what he’d become.

 

“Why are you so afraid? You know I would never hurt you.” 

 

Something about the silent implication that she couldn’t say she’d never hurt him was stinging. She hated how guilty she felt. He was angry with her, but instead of lashing out, he chose to be gentle. She hadn’t chosen that. She hadn’t chosen  **him** . 

 

“Ben, you already know… We were both there.”

 

“So it’s true, then.” His eyes moved away from her now and he allowed her some space. “My grandfather’s lightsaber. You destroyed it.”

 

He looked painfully disappointed, but that didn’t stop the white hot rage that flared up in Rey.

 

“ **I** destroyed it?!” Affronted, she pushed at his chest in an attempt to remove him from her space entirely. “ **You** were just as much a part of this as I was! I was scared and I reached for my weapon only to have you stop me and then refuse to let go.”

 

“I offered you the Galaxy! I offered you  **everything** , Rey. I killed my master, I was ready to forge a new life. It was all for you. What did you expect me to do? Did you expect me to just let you leave?” His eyes found her again, his voice rising with his temper. “I knew that the second I let go of that lightsaber I would be letting go of you as well. I was willing to forgive you for betraying me if you would only just… let go.” Despite that anger in his voice, his eyes looked at her with a contradictory compassion.

 

“Let go? Let go of what exactly? My friends? Everything I’ve learned? The Resistance and the goodness they stand for?” Her arms pushed harder now, her eyes blinking free tears as she fought with the flurry of conflict that was threatening to eat her whole. If she were forced to stare into those pleading eyes then she knew she’d break. “They need me.”

 

“They are going to use you. They don’t care about you. Not like I do. To them, you’re just a Jedi and that makes you their symbol, their weapon. When you become to strong for them, they will betray you just like they betrayed me. They aren’t your friends.” He kept his hands firmly planted on either side of her, his body staying despite her efforts to create distance. “We could build a better future. One without people who only want to use us.” 

 

“They don’t want to use me! You don’t even know them… You don’t know anything about any of them!” 

 

Putting Force into her pressing, Rey gave one more shove and finally did get a bit of the distance she was seeking. Despite the newfound inches, she felt no relief. Kylo was pushed from his place looming over her but he wasn’t any less intimidating or smothering when sitting there beside her. He hadn’t fought back this time. He just sat there and infected her silently with his emptiness.

 

“I know them much better than you’d think. I know their kind. I was young and foolish once.” He didn’t look at her, instead staring forwards with an unreadable expression. “Can I see it?”

 

Blinking slowly, Rey feels herself pulled from her furious stupor.

 

“See what?”

 

“The lightsaber.” Still not turning to face her, he adopted a bitter smile. “I’d like to see for myself what’s happened to it. I feel as though I have the right to at least that much.”

 

Despite her better judgement that suggested disaster was the only result that could come of this, Rey set her book aside, got to her feet, and walked across the room. Digging into a trunk, she pulled out a carefully folded piece of cloth and came back to sit beside Kylo. The same generous amount of space they’d begun with had been restored, but the metaphorical gap between them felt much larger.

 

“I’m warning you now, it’s pretty bad.” Her fingers brushed along the edges of the fabric and her mind began to panic. Was it too late for her to change her mind about this? Force, what if seeing it sparked a violent reaction? 

 

She dared to look up and found brown eyes searing into her. He almost looked afraid. Maybe he was afraid of the exact same thing she was.  _ Force  _ he was so confusing. He was a monster. She’d seen with her own eyes the horrible things he’d done, the lives he’d taken, the way he didn’t have regard for anyone but himself. Or well…  _ almost _ everyone. But did that make him less of a monster? 

 

Fingers trembled as she reached for the folded edge. A strong leather clad hand came to rest over her own smaller trembling one, not pushing her to open the fabric but instead just aiming to offer her some stability. The cool leather wasn’t as pleasant as she imagined the warm skin beneath might have been, but it did manage to calm her on some small level. He wasn’t about to force her into anything and by this action she was certain that he wasn’t going to blame her for what he saw beneath the linen. 

 

When she was ready, emboldened by the feeling he offered, Rey unfolded the linen to reveal the split lightsaber inside. The edges were jagged and there were a number of loose pieces laying around the main two chunks uselessly. Protruding from one of the large halves was the Kyber Crystal she’d spoke of before, a large crack down the center of it and a smaller piece of it chipped off and resting beside it.

 

No words were exchanged between them for a long number of minutes. His eyes were riddled with pain. Rey knew what this lightsaber meant to him. This had once belonged to his grandfather and idol when he was still a Jedi. Seeing it like this was likely more painful than she could ever manage to understand. So instead of saying something that might only cause more damage, she watched quietly as he picked up and examined each and every one of the lightsaber’s pieces. 

 

“We did this.” He finally broke the silence with a faint whisper. He was claiming half of the blame now and something about that both relieved and terrified her. 

 

_ ‘It’s broken… Just like us.’ _

 

Rey wasn’t sure if the thought was her own, but it didn’t quite feel like it had been his. Lifting a hand to touch his shoulder, she gave him the best smile she could. It was weak, but it had the right intentions behind it.

 

“Yes we did. But just because it’s broken doesn’t mean that it can’t be fixed. I may not be able to return it to exactly what it was before, but it will be close enough.” 

 

“No.” Kylo turned to look at her, something new and different in the way he took in her facial features. “My grandfather’s lightsaber is gone. Don’t try to recreate it. Let it be reborn as something new entirely.”

 

Stunned into silence, all Rey could manage to do was stare up at him. His eyes met hers and she felt a surge of something she couldn’t explain. The pace of her heart had quickened and her fingers had pressed slightly against his shoulder as she tried to process the depth of this. A gloved hand rose up and brushed loose hairs from her cheek, gently tucking them behind her ear. He was unsteady in his motions, but he didn’t rescind his words.

 

“I’ll help you.”

 

Rey’s lips parted and she prepared to reply, but it was then that the familiar rush of silence came and took him away. 

 

She brushed her fingers over her cheek where his glove had grazed only moments before and she released a shaky breath. Ben Solo wasn’t as gone as she had assumed. Tears slid down her cheeks as she looked down to the lightsaber in her lap. 

 

“Thank you, Anakin Skywalker.”

  
  
  



End file.
